Got Alot On My Head

This is a song title I swiped from one of the better '80s bands, The Cars. I'm not a "fashionista". I like the clothing styles of my youth more than what's available today. I believe that my underwear looks better beneath my clothes, rather than having my pants slung around my ankles so everybody can see my, big, brightly colored boxers. I'm funny that way. Hats are a negative in my book. Sure, they serve a purpose and I believe in form following function. It's okay to wear "lid", "skypiece", "topper", "cover", "copter" or whatever other slang term you want to apply to keep your ears warm or your hair dry. As a fashion statement, hats suck! Most of them are ugly, and anybody who chooses to wear them must have a truly hideous looking head if they want to keep it under wraps.
I DO wear hats, however. In cold weather the capilaries in the skin on your noggin don't recede the way they do on other parts of the body, so it's possible to lose a large amount of body heat through the head. I used to work at the New York thoroughbred racetracks, and as an enticement to get people to show up, they'd have give-aways. Most of the trinkets they dispensed were cheap items, like t-shirts and...( dont' tell me you didn't see this coming)...hats. These are baseball cap styled bonnets that were extremely cheesey. The portion that covered the head was usually small, so it almost resembled a Yarmulke with a brim. I usually ended up with more than one of these junkers, and I'd keep one in my backpack in the event of rain. On one such weather related occasion, I dug out my cap and went to the bus stop. I kept noticing a peculiar odor. I checked to make sure that I hadn't stepped in anything unwanted, glanced around to see if I was near a dumpster, and sureptitiously took a whiff under my arms. They were all fine. When I got home I hung my jacket and cap on the newel post and went about my regular activities. Remembering that I'd forgotten to pickup a chance at the Mega-Million lottery, I grabbed my cap and flipped it onto my head. It was then that I caught another whiff of the dank odor, it was the hat that smelled. I tossed it aside and grabbed another from my closet and went out. Once I got back from the local 7-11, the second hat also stunk. It seems that these hats once moistened, get quite odoriferous. They also DON'T keep your head dry. Fine lot of good that does, " I want a hat that only is useful on days when it's not needed!". I smelled like a hamper in the high school gym locker room, where all the damp, musty towels were tossed, to ferment into a sickly aroma.
After that discovery, I went to a camping catalog and searched for a waterproof hat. I found one that was reasonably priced and not overly unappealing looking. With shipping, it came to about sixteen dollars. This hat served me well for many months, and I happened to lose it about two weeks ago. I went nuts going through on-line sites looking for another. It seems that most hats are worn for style, as opposed to protection from the elements. The kids today like wearing baseball caps, with the brim which is designed to keep the sun out of your eyes, backwards, or skewed sideways. Why don't they just get those doofy looking caps that fisermen wear? Those have brims that go all the way around, so no matter which way you put it on, the sun still won't get in your eyes. Form vs. function.
It is also de rigeur for today's youth to tote their goodies around in a back pack. Most will loosen the straps to extreme points, so they're easier to slip ones' arms in and out of them. I don't have any problem with that, except...it causes the pack to droop low on the body creating stress on the lower lumbar region of the back. Ages of camping/hiking wisdom has taught me that it's best to put the heaviest items as close to the body as possible and then tighten the straps so the pack is firm against the owners' back. This keeps the weight close in, and makes it easier to move about without having the weight of the pack offset your balance. But that's not what I'm bitching about, the thing that surprises the hell out of me is: that the backpack industry has to be a multi-million dollar a year business, yet try finding a backpack that's water proof. I've had many newspapers, records and other items I lug around get ruined because my pack leaked in the rain. There are water repellant packs out there, but they're designed to use when scaling Mt. Everest and the cost is nearly as high. With all of todays high-tech fabrics and materials, why can't an affordable back pack be made that will keep kids' school books from getting drenched in the walk from the bus stop to the front door of the house? What's even more perplexing is that many packs DO use water resistant fabric, but the zippers allow water to drip in, so when you get inside out of the elements, you open up your pack to find that your posessions are swimming in a pack that allows water in, but it doesn't seep out. Brilliant designing there, all of you portable tote engineers. Maybe one of these geniuses can design a pack that can be worn on the head, so today's kids can fill them up and wear them backwards or sideways.