The Loner

I'm reasonably certain I've used this title before, but as my brain cells die, I'm finding my memories harder to recall. I try to use titles of songs that stick in my mind, and this is one from the late Cozy Powell, who played drums for Jeff Beck, Richie Blackmore and a slew of other rock notables. This came to me because once again, I find myself without a vehicle on a gorgeous July weekend, and without mobility, I am a lost cause. I am not charismatic, endearing, charming, or sexy. I am a blank slate. A girl I once dated called me a 'Disposable Person' and as unflattering as that term may be, she nailed it. The only time people think about me is when I'm standing in front of them. I don't get invited to parties, weddings, or any other sort of special events. I always hear about them after they've occurred. I am completely forgettable. I don't think people go out of their way to exclude me, they just don't think of me one way or the other. That isn't an ego-boosting way to feel. I generally work on my vehicle when the time and weather allow, but since it's in the shop, I didn't have that option. A guy who I went to high school with has a band that's playing at the Jones Beach Bandshell tonight, and I'd really like to go see that, but I don't have any friends that I can glom a ride off of, so I'm going to miss it. I'm not anti-social, I enjoy going out and mingling. I like hearing people's stories and jokes, I like to think I can give as well as take, but my judgement is biased. I don't have anyone to bounce any of my ideas off of. In general, the people I work with are an uneducated bunch and their tastes and mine don't coincide. I get along with them at work, but once I punch out, I'm not a part of their itinerary. Now that I'm over sixty ( shit that sounds weird to say!)hanging out in the way that I used to when I was young, is not a realistic approach to meeting and making new friends. The fact is, I'm not really sure that I had real friends. I understand that I cannot blame this lack of presence on the people I associate with, the problem undoubtedly lies somewhere between my hairline and the callouses on my feet. What I don't know is how to do something about it. I've all but given up going to concerts, one of my guilty pleasures, simply because going alone is too taxing on my withered psyche. I still find escape in movies, but even that has lost it's smile-appeal due to the fact that I'm not sharing it with anyone. Being alone all the time causes me to lose my willingness to compromise, since I'm not interacting with anyone. That is a damage that I seriously doubt I'll ever be able to repair...now I wonder if anyone will ever read this????